Ander died in January. It’s now May. Here’s a snippet from my journal from the in-between March. Perhaps next time I’ll get you an update on where I am now!
When we moved out here, I waited to engage. I didn’t want to start a sport just to have to quit a month later when I got pregnant. So I only skated once. I went to watch a college rugby game, but didn’t play any. I didn’t join anything new. And at first, it was great. K and I had weekends to explore Chicago, to swim in Lake Michigan, to see the air show, to canoe and camp and hike. But now, I realize that I had put my life on hold. I figured I’d have plenty of time to meet other mommy-friends when I had a baby in tow. Instead, I am here, babyless, with no real friends in Chicago except for a few that I’ve met through K. And I’m still having trouble engaging in life. I think it’s because I feel that if I start activities, I’m giving up on getting pregnant. Of course I’m not, but there was some comfort in putting everything else on hold to just focus on having a baby. I realize now, of course, that pinning all my hopes on that was foolish, that in reality, putting all my hopes of a more fulfilling life on a child who was not yet conceived was not a very healthy thing to do. Yet still, still I’m having trouble motivating myself to get involved. I think part of the problem is that, while it was hard at first, I got used to bed rest and having nothing to do but watch TV and read (and now, knit). Not working out wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I hate how I look with all my muscle tone gone, but the thought of the work to get it back is just exhausting. I crave junk food, especially carbs and chocolate, and I let myself have them because I’m still underweight and I’m grieving and even my grief book says to let myself eat whatever I find comforting for a while. Yesterday I ate all my s’mores makings so I had to stop eating them everyday. Today I took the mango and grapes out of the fridge early and put them on the counter to force myself to eat them when I got hungry. We got FitBits because I am a goal-oriented exerciser and it might just fuel enough of my competitive spirit to get my butt off the couch, even if it’s just to fulfill that goal for now. I called McFetridge and wrote down the open skate times on the calendar, for a start. I might even ask some adults at the free skate if they know how I can get a coach. I looked up costs and times for yoga and I thought about horseback riding this summer (though with all the travel we might do, I’m not sure how realistic that will be). We plan to snowshoe at the Arboretum this weekend, but even that makes me a little sad because we talked about snowshoeing with Ander, and even looked at backpacks at REI for him to sit in. I think I will always feel his absence, now, when I do something I either wouldn’t be able to do with him (skate) or when I would (snowshoe).
We saw a cute, pretty red cardigan at the UIC store. Ander would have looked so cute in that. For some reason I associate his name with the color red. And his name is so Scandinavian – it makes me think of the Norwegian Olympic colors or the Swiss flag. It would be a great name to announce at the Olympics. My little snowboarder, perhaps!