Forget the future

This morning I awoke at 5 a.m. due to a massive rainstorm, and sprang out of bed because I remembered we had left the living room bay windows open. This is only a problem if it’s rainy and windy, but it was, so I spent 15 minutes drying the pools of water on the sills and the floor.

I have been sleeping very, very well lately (not sure why but not complaining), so I was dreading the next two hours when I returned to bed. The early morning hours are when it’s hardest for me to banish thoughts of the future. In the day, it’s easier for me to self-talk myself out of the negative “what ifs” that inevitably spring up, no matter how ridiculous I know they are. I know, cognitively, that there is no point in dwelling upon these scenarios, and that they do more damage (stress, anxiety, all pointless) than good (I mean, do thinking of all the negative future scenarios REALLY help me cope with them better if they do happen? I don’t think so, at least not anymore).

But, you know. Early morning hours. Dark room, rain, a little stuffy. In today’s dream, K was pregnant.

K, pregnant, fills me with dread. It means I have not been able to successfully carry a pregnancy to term, something that I have wanted to do since I was young. It  means the baby does not have my genes, which I do want even though I know it’s selfish. K doesn’t want to be pregnant, so the greater fear is that she’s miserable, and I’m miserable. I so desperately want to be pregnant, and she so very much doesn’t want to be, that I’m afraid I would feel incredibly resentful of her for getting to do something that I want to do – and she doesn’t. Although it’s an unfair comparison, I’m afraid I will feel of her like I do of other women who are stuck with unwanted pregnancies – jealous, angry, resentful.

Of course, this is a futile line of thinking. Maybe she will enjoy being pregnant. Of course, more hopefully, maybe she’ll never have to be. Now that it’s daylight, I can table the thoughts, file the dream away. But MAN do I hope that I can carry a healthy baby to term next time, and the time after that, so I never have to worry if our relationship will survive that “bad-case” (!) scenario: K pregnant.

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2 Responses to Forget the future

  1. meghanoc says:

    Oh man, yes! I can understand this! I know our circumstances are different, but I’m afraid I’ll never carry a pregnancy that results in a live, take home baby! I’m afraid I”ll never get to enjoy pregnancy. I dont have much to support this, I know, but the fear is there. I took childbearing for granted. Because I come from a big family, I assume fertility would never be an issue. I dedicated my life to this career where I make people mothers, all under the assumption that I’d join the ranks too (I know, I am a mother, but you know what I mean). I agree, this fear is not productive, but it’s a hard one to squash.

  2. kaitlynva says:

    I had hoped to be available as a surrogate for several people in my life facing a variety of issues… Loved being pregnant, always thought I would be a champ at childbirth. Then came so much physical and emotional trauma, and poof, my dream of being a surrogate will likely never work out. These big hips, the pain tolerance, lack of needle-phobia, no significant medical or lifestyle issues… All irrelevant with this scarred uterus. So I feel you on the lost dreams of pregnancy/childbirth, the fear of future pregnancy/no future pregnancy/future unsuccessful pregnancy…

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