This time around, or, now

Before: I tried to rein in my hopes.

When we were first trying to conceive Ander, I was the killjoy, the “remember our odds are only 25% each time,” the “we’ll see.” For the first ten weeks, I was the “remember 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage,” the “let’s not tell anyone until at least 14 weeks, to be safe.”

Ironically, the wild hope came later, after the bleeding started at 19 weeks, after the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. It was then that I became the “c’mon baby, we can do this,” the “let’s buy some clothes and stuffed animals just in case,” the “we should start a registry.”

Now: I indulge hope.

We have started trying to conceive our rainbow baby. I have very few pictures of me pregnant; I thought there would be time; I thought it was silly. This time, we took pictures on our way to our first IUI, us together hands on the doorknob to go outside, a silly shot of me acting like a swimming sperm.

Now, dark thoughts are banished. I already know things could go wrong, so I won’t allow them to be indulged. Only hope and optimism here, thanks. K got me a card that says how proud she is of me of making this leap of faith. She put a “Joy” card in the offering at church “for the beginning of a new life.”

Now: I will cherish every moment this potential new life is inside of me.

Note: I do not know if I am currently pregnant or not – our IUI was just last Wednesday. I do not plan for this to be a blog about pregnancy after a loss. This is Ander’s place; this is where I capture my grief and my healing. Please do not be afraid to come visit – there will be no triggers here. 

#captureyourgrief