In memory; remembering



Today on Facebook, I finally posted the above picture from Carly Marie, and said:

“October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. So if you would this weekend, please remember our son Anderson. Speak his name or write it down, and when you see a beautiful sunset, colorful leaf, migrating bird, or the rising moon, know that he has heard you and that we thank you.”

This was actually a very big step for me. I’m not big about posting about Anderson on Facebook. Part of this is that K doesn’t like too many pictures of him floating out there where we can’t really control them. And part of it is my own self-consciousness about posting “too much” about my son.

You see, there are two types of loss moms on Facebook. There are those who post memories and pictures of the ways in which they remember their child, and these moms I admire for how beautifully they are honoring their children and keeping their memories alive (you know whom I’m looking at ;-).

And then there are those who only post about losing their child, how unfair it is, how alone and depressed and sad they are, how no matter what anyone says they’re still moms (which is true, but I hope you’re following where I’m going here), and basically… well… I guess they post all about them, instead of the places they see their child still with them. I don’t follow these types of moms (though I have offered them support on occasion). I recognize that everyone grieves differently, but I’m not a public griever in that way, and it makes me uncomfortable and frustrated, which isn’t fair. Yes, I recognize that I just said I’m not a “public griever” and I have a grief blog, but isn’t it ironic how much more private it feels when you don’t actually know IRL the people who are reading it?

So because I am afraid that people will perceive me as the second type of grief mom – and tune out – I don’t post often about Anderson on Facebook. Today’s #captureyourgrief challenge, though, is Memory – and I decided that, well, I wanted people to remember him this weekend, even if only for a moment.

K and I ourselves have done many things in remembrance of Ander. We raised money for the March of Dimes, and walked with the March for Babies. My mom’s coworkers gave her a butterfly bush, and she spelled out Ander in blue stones, and it got some lovely migrating monarchs this past month (more than that area has ever seen before) and this big guy:

The first butterfly

The first butterfly

My in-laws got a lovely bench from their neighbors in memory of Ander; we planted a tree at the base of our wedding arbor (at my in-laws as well), my cousin got him a brick in the Angel of Hope Children’s Memorial Garden. I’m sure I’m forgetting some other lovely people, including those who sent us all the lovely houseplants we have now!

We have a lot of tchotchkes and trinkets around the house that remind us. I got him a little stuffed polar bear the last time I traveled. I remember him when I see a full moon, a robin, a butterfly, a kite, the letter A. This winter, there will probably be even more things that remind me of him, as the snow starts to fall and Orion rolls into the sky.

I will remember. And it’s okay if sometimes, I ask others to remember him too.

This Blog is In Memory of Anderson.

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7 Responses to In memory; remembering

  1. I understand what you mean. Sometimes I want to shout Isabelle’s name out so that everyone will know that she was here, but other days I want to keep her to myself. The grieving journey certainly is an interesting one.

  2. meghanoc says:

    i am totally scared that I’m going to be *that* girl on facebook. I’m doing Carly Marie’s capture your grief, on my blog but also on fb. I felt nervous about fb because I felt like posting everyday would be too overwhelming and people would zone out. plus posting photos related to mabel and not getting “likes” is kind of painful. But if I kept it only to my blog, I felt like I was preaching to the choir, you know? So now on fb I try to word it almost positively, but that’s not always true to my feelings. social media is a weird weird thing

    I like how you point out that blogging is a memorial! silly me, I didnt even think of that!

    I will think of Ander lots this weekend- he totally finds me all the time while playing scramble. 🙂

    • babylossmama says:

      I think you fall into the first category of social media loss moms right now – because your posts are about Mabel, they honor her memory (and are quite brave, in my opinion!). I love all the likes you got on the garden and the support crew posts!

      Love that Ander loves word games like his moms :).

  3. You are beautiful and the thought you put into everything you have said here is completely normal. IMO, it kind of depends on where people are in the grieving process. For me, at first, the outward pouring of sadness and depression over the situation was my way of trying to wrap my head around it (sort of “saying it out loud”) and trying to make sure that she was not forgotten by those who had never met her – time changes things for sure. The public posting / sharing is difficult because as you said you are putting it out there for the world to see. You wonder what they’re thinking and if they care (the do)…. Very sweet post. Thinking of you all today *big hugs* 🙂

  4. Pingback: Day 29: Reflect | Expecting the Unexpected

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