The music of the season (days 12 and 13)

In my mind, the music and the season are inextricably linked. Already on bed rest, I dragged my exhausted body up on December 24th to put on a pretty dress that I’d been wanting to wear but hadn’t had the opportunity. (It’s not a great picture. I look exhausted. But it’s one of only two that I have of me looking pregnant. And that’s Anderson’s stocking in the middle, next to me! I forgot about that!).

On the way to church

On the way to church

Although I wanted to go to the more traditional Christmas Eve service, it started at 10, and I knew that was just too late for me. So, we went to the “jazz” Christmas service, which if memory serves, started around 7. I thought – bummer, I love singing Christmas carols, and they’re going to be “different.” They were – but Anderson loved them. He was more active that night than any other point in my pregnancy (except once when I ate salsa). There were still candles, and darkness, and the music was glorious, and I could still sing along.

I almost didn’t get that Christmas Eve. I had an ultrasound earlier that morning, and after a long look at the placenta and the blood pooling inside me, Dr. P said, “well, we need to admit you.” K and I looked at each other. “Um…. now?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll go get the paperwork.” “It’s Christmas Eve…” I trailed off, not wanting to be difficult, but in my head I was thinking – I’m only 22 weeks, how can it help to be admitted to the hospital now? Can’t I have Christmas at home?

Dr. P, thankfully, smiled and agreed. He’d give me until after the holidays – then, on January 4th, I would be admitted for good to the hospital. I was told to go easy on myself until then, and I was (we had Christmas with our families via Skype).

Of course, that break didn’t exactly go as planned. I was admitted on the 2nd, in labor. Anderson was born at 24 weeks on the 5th. The season switched to an artificial summer – hot days sitting by his warming incubator. But still, singing Christmas carols. Hoping that they would inspire him to dance like they did that Christmas Eve.

#captureyourgrief

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One Response to The music of the season (days 12 and 13)

  1. meghanoc says:

    You look SO cute with your baby bump! Love that you had a stocking for Mabel. My christmas was mixed- I\we had already received the news about Mabel’s poor outcome and everyone was hesitant to give me the gifts they had bought that were baby/pregnancy related. My MIL got me a nice pregnancy PJ and bathroom set and she almost didnt give it to me. But I was STILL pregnant, so I was glad she did. Wore it a lot actually. And I got Chris a couple baby related things (one handed bottle opener, so he could hold the baby one hand, open a beer in the other. and a book called “handy dad” full of weekend projects to make for your kids.) I gave them to him anyways. My work had given me unexpected time off when I was given the “you baby will likely die” diagnosis which allowed me the holidays to visit my family (I had planned to work all through them, which made me feel a bit guilty that others then had to take my shifts, but glad I could see family in my difficult time). I too went to a christmas eve service, thinking the carols would be uplifting, but instead they made me burst into tears and run out for a walk with chris instead.

    I like how your memories- music and season- are linked. they do truly go together. your post brought up some memories for me,which I might just write about. thankyou.

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