What I WANT

I’m having a selfish moment; please indulge me.

Right now, I really, really, really want to be pregnant. Sigh.

My childhood friend’s little sister is pregnant, 18 weeks. She’s having complications, and I do feel for her. She is a labor-and-delivery nurse, and she was supportive during my complications. In fact, she said one of the best things anyone could have; when Ander was born so early, weighing just 1 lb, 9 oz, she messaged me: “Wow! So big! You did such a great job, mama!”

While everyone else was focusing on how small he was (read: how I failed him), she noted that in fact, he was a pretty good size for a 24 weeker (read: I had done a good job nourishing him while I could). So she will always hold a special place in my heart. Plus, her young dog just died tragically. Did I mention that her first fiance died of a brain tumor? (She married her current husband three years after her fiance died). So I really, really want her pregnancy to go well. Basically, this woman deserves some GOOD.

Yet: she’s having complications. Her placenta isn’t functioning properly; her baby may be IUGR; there have been some weird blood tests and fluid leakage; she will be on bed rest starting at 24 weeks. Despite this, the selfish me said: ARGH! Her older sister (my friend) is due with her second in a week! And now her younger-than-us sister is pregnant TOO? So their mom will have three grandbabies, and mine will have none? (Our moms have been friends since they met in Lamaze class, pregnant with me and childhood friend). How colossally UNFAIR. Plus: my poor mother. Her friend isn’t the most sensitive about the not-bragging thing.

Some days, I don’t like myself. I am jealous of a lovely woman who has had such hardship and is having complications similar to mine. What have I become?

 

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3 Responses to What I WANT

  1. meghanoc says:

    oh man, you are so not alone here. it’s the ugly head of grief, right? how we cope with the unfairness of it all! of course we are jealous of those with even difficult situations. Because pregnancy is a thing we can not take total control of. we can do everything right- know when sperm should meet egg exactly, and still not get pregnant. we can be posterchildren for pregnancy and still our babies can die. wtf. i know that weird jealousy. i know it well.

    At one point I told someone how I was jealous of her and her new baby. to deal with the awkwardness. she said in a joking way “hah! jealous of me and my marriage troubles?” I said “yes, and your two living children.”

    also 1lb 9 oz is totally huge for a 24 weeker! you set him up for the best possible place in the worst uncontrollable scenario. you gave him every day he had.

    • babylossmama says:

      You’re so sweet :). As even my doctors said, he never should have made it to 24 weeks – he only did because I was healthy to start with, so could cope with the bad anemia, etc. But it’s hard to remember to reframe things as what I GOT rather than what was taken away, you know? And if I got him so far, why not another week, another two weeks? It seems like such a small thing to wish for.

  2. SusanB says:

    You’ve become one of the moms who loved and lost. Your normal most only have nightmares about from which they wake. For you, and those of us who have had our hearts torn in half, your feelings are the new normal, and you’re a blogger, (bravo), you’re blogging about the raw and real stuff. It’s so brave of you to share because you’re not the first person to feel the way you do.

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