Friends who understand

A glorious post by Robyna May about the difference between two types of friends after loss: those who don’t understand, and those who do. An excerpt is below.

A friend says, “he was beautiful”.  A friend who understands says “he is beautiful”.

A friend says, “he will always be in your heart”. A friend who understands says “I will keep him in my heart, beside my loved one gone too soon”.

A friend says, “you will always remember him”. A friend who understands says, “I will always remember him”.

A friend says, “you will always be his mother”. A friend who understand says, “you continue to be a good mother to your son gone too soon”.

A friend says, “it wasn’t your fault – you need to stop blaming yourself”.  A friend who understands says “I am sorry you are in the horrible dark place of guilt. It is part of this grief. I am here for you.”

Newly pregnant with my baby’s sibling, a friend sees my terror and says “this baby will be fine”. A friend who understands says, “I can’t make promises but always remember every baby has a different story and a different life to live.”

A friend says “it is time to rejoin the world”.  A friend who understands says, “do you want me to stay with you when you are in the darker places?”

A friend is sometimes cautious about speaking his name, worried that they may make me cry.  A friend who understands speaks his name often, accepts tears as a gift and knows that his name is a kind of music that makes me smile.

A friend waits for the grief to end. A friend who understands knows that the grief stretches as long as the love.

A friend says “I cannot begin to imagine your pain”. A friend who understands says “I know how terrible, how painful this is. The light will return and I am here for you until it does”.