Happy birthday, baby boy

Last year, at 3:53 p.m. on January 5th, was the last time I carried Anderson inside me. At 3:54 p.m., he was born, suddenly and too soon, into this world. His birthday was supposed to be April 24th. Instead, it is today. We are supposed to be feeding him his first cake. Instead, we keep gazing up at the sky, towards heaven. Hoping to see a sign of him today.

At home in Chicago, it snowed and is snowing, which is perfect. It should always snow on our polar vortex baby’s birthday. We were so glad to be able to build him a snowman. We had hoped to also fly kites (K and I surprised each other with bird kites for Christmas, for Anderson), but the weather wouldn’t cooperate. Next time.

Ander's birthday snowman

Ander’s birthday snowman

K had to be in DC today for a training, so we decided that I would come with her as we didn’t want to be alone on Ander’s birthday. Yet in some ways, we are – both at our separate workplaces, remembering him with quick tears and a FB post in the morning, but then trudging off to Starbucks and the Metro. We will think of him all day, though.

Happy birthday, my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish, wish, wish that you were here with us.

Finally, in the words of my mother-in-law:

“Today, like all the days since January 5, 2014, we remember that scary incredible miraculous day: our brave daughters, our valiant beautiful grandson, the amazing Rush staff, and the bitter cold that helped numb our fears, as we struggled to be hopeful and thankful, and to find joy in each moment with Ander that we were given. Our love to all our family.”

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10 Responses to Happy birthday, baby boy

  1. meghanoc says:

    Reblogged this on Expecting the Unexpected and commented:
    Keeping Anderson in my thoughts today on his one year birthday.

  2. Happy birthday, Anderson. Thinking of the three of you today. Much love xxx

  3. Aurelia says:

    Here via Expecting the Unexpected…I’m so sorry that your boy Anderson is not with you in person today. Happy birthday to him. XO

  4. Happy Birthday, Ander. how i wish you were celebrating today, smashing cake into your mouth and delighting your mamas with your own innocent delight.

    sending love and comfort (what little there is to be had) on this happysad day.

  5. Gretchen says:

    I am sorry that Ander’s birthday is tied so closely with shock, and the horror of a too-soon birth. And sorry-er still that he is not here today on his birthday. The photo of his hand on yours gets me every time I visit your blog. He was absolutely beautiful. A gentle birthday to you and your family, as you acknowledge this special day.

    Zachary was a polar vortex baby too, born on Jan 7. Something in me truly embraces the cold and the snow that has suddenly come to Chicago.

  6. kaitlynva says:

    What a beautiful snowman. Happy birthday to Ander and I am so happy that you are finding some comfort in the winter weather — what a lovely (if cold!!) reminder of your precious boy. I also feel an urge to say “congratulations”, even though I’m not sure if that is appropriate… you guys have come so far and done so much work. I feel like the work of this grief is harder than anything I’ve ever done, and reaching such a big milestone should be celebrated in its own right. So, congratulations on making it so far in your journey with Ander. I know he would be (or is) so proud of you.

    • babylossmama says:

      Thank you! To be honest, I’m proud of us too. I think we did well turning towards each other and facing this year together, and I know how hard that is. So I hope we made him proud!

  7. Belated happy birthday to Ander. And wow, you’ve survived the first year. It’s a big milestone xx

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