It still hurts

15 months, and it still hurts.

There are several other two-mama couples at our church. Two have babies under a year old.

An acquaintance is coming into town this week. She’s pregnant with her second child.

Friends are visiting this weekend. They had their baby boy on Anderson’s due date.

Ander should be the oldest of this bunch.

I know it’s unfair, but I can’t help but see pity in the eyes of those other mothers. I can’t help but think that they’re thinking “Phew, we must have done something right where she did something wrong, because we have our babies.” I find it incredibly hard to be friends with them because I can’t get past the thought that they must be judging me. I would have judged me, before I knew, I think. I would have always seen my life in comparison to the babyloss mom’s as blessed, as lucky. I think I would have struggled with thinking “at least I’m not her.”  So I impose this vision on others, and avoid them, because it still hurts. I wonder if I’ll feel vindicated, or at least relieved, when I have my own living child. Or if I’ll perpetually feel behind. I should have been first. I was first, but there is no proof of that anymore.

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2 Responses to It still hurts

  1. typhaine says:

    I so relate to this “feeling behind”. It is strange and doesn’t make much sense but I’ve felt this way towards many people whose babies were born after Paul… Like you should be able to share experiences — or give advice even! — but that’s been taken away from you too…

    I’m sorry you feel this way. And that Anderson is not with you, growing with these other little ones.

  2. So true. Its rough at times like these. I get glimpses of that as well, when I just think this is so unfair….I should have 3 or, she would’ve been…… or whatever it is that catches my attention at that time. Its like a knee-jerk reaction, to think of judgement, I hope that this may subside for you eventually, but I understand and have been there.

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