Grief, 18 months on

Grief, 18 months after my son’s death, is so much less sharp than it was before that at times I feel guilty. I still think of him every day, and likely always will, but the edges have blunted tremendously. I both hate that, and am grateful for it. I miss my little boy. I will always wonder what he’d look like as he grew. He looked so much like me, and I mourn that I may never have such a lookalike child again.

But – I am back to not remembering when was the last time I cried (oh yeah! It was when we went to see the movie “Inside Out” last weekend. Total sob fest even though it’s technically a children’s movie. But the wife is a child psychologist and researches emotional development so of course we had to see it). To clarify: the last time I cried about losing him, or one of the tangential losses (never having the opportunity for a vaginal birth, for example).

Ironically, I’m now more grateful: that I could get pregnant at all, that we have the financial resources to ensure some sort of child-filled family, that I will always be a mother, that I always had a son. I have been too involved in babyloss websites and social groups to take those things for granted. I am grateful that I have family and friends who talk about my son and remember him with us. I look at his adorable picture every day, and while I am sad, it’s not the choking ache.

To all you mamas out there still hurting: it can get better. Hang in there.

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4 Responses to Grief, 18 months on

  1. Kerri says:

    C- I needed this just now. Thank you for the reminder that it can get better.

  2. A beautiful reminder of how time does ease the pain. Not that it will ever go away, but that it does somehow become more bearable. Maybe it’s just that we learn to live with our realities?

    • babylossmama says:

      I think that’s a lot of it. You’re still angry, but having been in the babyloss community for so long, you can see that you’re not alone and that so many others have just as much reason to be angry as you, if that makes sense? Being part of a community makes it more bearable because you come to understand you were not singled out for awfulness.

  3. We lost our sons at similar times – the pain is also less acute for me, and I feel that guilt, too. There was a time I did not want the pain to end – felt like I had to feel it. That was exhausting. I’m glad I can ‘live’ now, though as you say the sorrow is always there. I am also grateful for the time I had with Hugo xxx

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