Below is a post from a friend of mine on FB, and my response. How did I do? I wanted to say so much more…
The post (slightly edited for confidentiality):
“Let me tell you a story about miracles, Gods grace, and the power of prayer. On Monday, March 7th (husband) and I welcomed our twin girls into this world at just 33 weeks gestation. (A and E) were born strong, mighty, and loved. They were also two of the most prayed for babies I’ve ever known. At just 16 weeks gestation these two survivors underwent in utero laser ablation surgery at (hospital) to correct their twin to twin transfusion syndrome — a disease with a mortality rate of 90% for one twin and 80% for both if left untreated. These little angels have fought for their lives from day one and we feel so blessed that after they had to spend 3 weeks in the NICU we are all home together and starting our life as a family of five. This last year has been filled with some of the scariest and trying days of our lives but we are so grateful for our family and friends who have supported us through this journey. We are forever indebted to the amazing doctors at Hopkins fetal center for saving our sweet babies and for all the other medical professionals who helped ensure our babies safe delivery. Mostly though we are grateful that God has entrusted us with the lives of these sweet miracles. During some of the darkest days this past year Laura Story‘s song Blessings helped get me through so before the onset of baby pictures begins I’ll leave this post with some of her lyrics
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise”
My response:
“Iam SO happy that your baby girls were saved and made it home with you safely! I did want to privately let you know, though, that the way you phrased it on FB was a bit hurtful. I know several babies who have died due to TTTS, and they were also very loved and very prayed for. When my son died, who was also very much wanted, very, very prayed for, very cared for by doctors, I struggled a lot with my faith. When the survival of some babies is attributed to God’s favor and trust, it again challenges the faith of those of us whose babies didn’t make it – and I don’t think they died because God loved them any less or was punishing us as parents. I KNOW that wasn’t your intent and I’m sure you feel blessed by God’s grace and favor… just…. a thought.”
baby boy blue 
Big hugs for you X I absolutely understand why you feel like this, so thought provoking, thank you for sharing.
Yes.
Very well said! Thank you for advocating for women like us and our babies!
I’ve heard my share of “miracle” stories, the “power of prayer”, etc., etc., lately. So glad you had the courage and made the effort to explain a bit about how it affects you.
❤️
I had an experience last week that was similar in some ways. I spoke up a bit, but wish I had said more – it was difficult because I was at work, and my superiors were the ones having a conversation. One pregnant doctor was talking about the ultrasounds she has scheduled. Another doctor chimed in that he’d had three children and the only abnormality on any of their ultrasounds had been a false alarm, “we do all these tests and just cause unnecessary worry for no reason when everything always turns out to be fine.” I was shaking and in a cold sweat and just turned to them and said “your conversation is freaking me out” – they know the vague details of what happened to me and my son, and shut up right away. But they don’t know the specifics, that another doctor dismissed my ultrasound, failed to consult appropriate specialists and left Sacha and I in an inappropriate setting where no one could help us until it was too late. I wish I had said to the other doctors, “You got lucky. Not everyone gets lucky. If you don’t want me to put too much stock into my awful anecdotal experience, then stop putting so much stock into your own very fortunate anecdotal experience.” It is so helpful to me to know that others who have been unfortunate react in a similar way that I do when the fortunate ones relay their experiences in ways that are unknowningly hurtful. Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m sorry you had to hear their insensitive comments, but I hope they are better practitioners now that they’ve reflected (hopefully) on what they said – even though you didn’t say what you hoped to!
Wow. Good for you. Only way I can explain is life is random. You can hope, you can pray, but it doesn’t always go the way you want. Sometimes stuff just happens, no matter your beliefs.
Clicked from MPB and post grabbed me.
Bravo. Seriously, standing ovation over here. I absolutely cannot handle people thinking their loved ones were spared by God because of his favor or because of more received prayers. It does not work that way. They are spared by treatment, science, and most often specific circumstances unique to their situation.
I’m curious…. Did she receive your message well?
Aw, thanks so much for coming over and taking the time to comment! You know, she did receive the message well, in an “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that” kind of way… but she’s very, very religious so I’m never going to be 100% convinced she truly believes otherwise. But I did appreciate that she heard me and took the time to write a long, thoughtful reply. It salvaged our friendship but I still haven’t really gotten over it (do we ever?).
I think your response was so brave and awesome. I am so glad you were able to share that with her. I hope she responded appropriately. Xo
It was almost a year ago today, when my sister had to deliver her little 5 month old angel. We all stood my her, watching her go through the pain that no human been should have to experience. We all prayed, we all wished, we all gave all we could, but sometimes, no matter how much you want everything to turn out okay, it just doesn’t. It isn’t a matter of not having enough faith, it isn’t a matter of not wanting it enough, it’s a matter of odds. I do wish everything had been different. That she didn’t have to experience the loss and pain she had to travel through. I do wish I didn’t have to hear people telling her “you’re young, everything will be alright”; “I have a friend that…”. I do wish thing’s would’ve been different. Today, I look at my 10 month old miracle. My beautiful nephew. I look at my sister with proud eyes and I just wish for it to had been different, but then I look at him, and couldn’t imagine it any other way.
It was almost a year ago today, when my sister had to deliver her little 5 month old angel. We all stood my her, watching her go through the pain that no human been should have to experience. We all prayed, we all wished, we all gave all we could, but sometimes, no matter how much you want everything to turn out okay, it just doesn’t. It isn’t a matter of not having enough faith, it isn’t a matter of not wanting it enough, it’s a matter of odds. I do wish everything had been different. That she didn’t have to experience the loss and pain she had to travel through. I do wish I didn’t have to hear people telling her “you’re young, everything will be alright”; “I have a friend that…”. I do wish thing’s would’ve been different. Today, I look at my 10 month old miracle. My beautiful nephew. I look at my sister with proud eyes and I just wish for it to had been different, but then I look at him, and couldn’t imagine it any other way.