Jewelry, grief and a poem

When Ander died, I was given three lovely, wonderful necklaces. One has his footprints stamped into it (his actual footprints, from a picture!) and his name and birthdate on the back; my mom got K and I each one from a lovely woman on Etsy who was moved by our story and made an extra one for my mother, too. One has a mandala and the word “sacred” that I bought myself for being brave enough to participate in the Sacred Project.  One is an Origami Owl locket with his initials, a snowflake charm, angel wings, a heart with the word “son,” and blue stones, also from my mom.

I wear one of these three necklaces every day. The problem is that I have many other lovely necklaces, and yet even on special occasions, if I do not wear an Ander necklace, I feel guilty. For example, if I’m going to a wedding and want to wear my turquoise drop earrings that happen to match a turquoise necklace, I hem and haw about wearing the necklace instead of one of my Ander ones. I’m not sure how to feel about this. My rational brain reminds me that I do not need to wear a necklace to ensure Ander is remembered; I doubt Ander cares. My emotional heart wonders if people will notice if I wear a different necklace and thus think I’ve gotten over him or moved on or even if I’m callous and indifferent. I feel like I should be able to wear another necklace, guilt-free, though I have yet to get to that point. I’ve done it once or twice… but it was guiltily.

Anyway, just something I’m struggling with.

More importantly, today is the anniversary of Robyna’s son Xavier’s death, and she wrote this touching poem that resonated with me, and may also move you, so I share it here (for the full post on Xavier’s anniversary, click here).

Forgive Me

Forgive me if I’m not myself today,
I don’t mean to be unpleasant,
Forgive me if I seem far away,
I’m not all together present.

Forgive me if I’m not myself today,
If my smile and eyes seemed pained,
If I don’t know what to say,
and our conversation’s strained.

Forgive me if I’m not myself today,
if I’m hesitant to smile,
It means a great deal that you stay,
And just sit with me for a while.

Forgive me if I’m not myself today,
if I seem a little slow or dim,
most times I keep the grief at bay,
but today belongs to him.

Forgive me if I’m not myself today,
You know it’s not an easy one,
Three years ago, to the day,
is when last I held my son.

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5 Responses to Jewelry, grief and a poem

  1. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful poem. Sending you love my friend, days like this are always hard.

  2. caroline326 says:

    I feel the same way about my Caroline necklaces! I wear them every day.

  3. Robyna says:

    Thank you for sharing Xavier’s poem. I felt similarly about Xavier’s jewellery. In fact, in the months after he died I was tempted to sell everything and donate the money, I was that sure I would never wear anything else again. But I have and I do.

  4. I have a similar necklace for Hugo and feel the same way. I feel I cannot not wear it, for the reasons you articulate. A beautiful poem for Xavier – resonates with me too xxx

  5. I feel similar about the jewelry I bought after losing my babies. I bought two rings. For a while I would wear both every day; then occasionally I would switch off depending on what else I was wearing. Some days I don’t wear either of them. Some days I just don’t want to look down at my hands and have the only mementos I have of my babies be two pieces of jewelry. Some days I don’t want to be that sad woman with the sad rings. And then I feel guilty – do my babies know I don’t wear them everyday? Are they mad at me if I don’t? Does it mean I am less sad?
    I think that, no matter what, Ander is with you in your heart and soul. And if people think you stopped caring or are callous then they don’t know you. And it’s okay – a lot of people don’t get it because they haven’t lost babies and I wouldn’t wish that on them just so I feel less alone.
    Also, beautiful poem.

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